Valpis the Duck and Blixten
MJ
MJ

Dog Dictionary for all breeds

Read it with a smile…
  • BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
  • BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control human body fat. To get the maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards.
  • BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
  • DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
  • DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room
  • DOGFATHER: Beware! Dogfather knows way too many of our little secrets for his own good. If you catch your person calling this guy, the game’s up. Chew through the phone cable immediately and deploy your best cute puppy expression in defense. Repeat as necessary.
  • DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
  • DUSTBIN: A container which neighbors put out every week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push it over. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, etc.
  • HOUSE: Your house, naturally. Don’t let them forget it or they’ll only get ideas above their station…
  • JUMPING UP: The best way of welcoming your person and visitors to your house. Considered very good manners in doggy circles and appreciated by humans, who invariably react in a very exciting way (especially when carrying things).
  • LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “Sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
  • LEAD: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. Don’t be too gentle with them either – pull hard, they’ll love and respect you all the more for it.
  • LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. We can’t help it. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.
  • SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
  • SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times until your person makes you stop.
  • THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting and barking.
  • WASTE BASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old sweet wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

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